Sometimes All You Want Is A Stalker

I know how everyone tells you that in love, if you don't take a chance, you'll never find it.  Although I do completely believe in this statement, I have a really big problem practicing it.  My fear of rejection is much greater than my fear of never finding love.  At least, that's how it's been in the past.  Now, I find myself at 29 and half a year closer to 30, never having been in any serious relationships and possibly being a bachelor for life.  Okay, fine... 30 is still relatively young, but still, just let me dramatize this a bit.

So begins the more interesting part of this post.  Continuing with the above paragraph, I feel like I've missed many opportunities but none have affected me as much as.... ummmm.... we'll just call him Stalker (it was my original nickname for him).  I met him at a local bar (I'm sure you can figure out which bar).  Within 15 min. of meeting him he had already requested to be my friend on Facebook, which I ignored until the next day, because his avatar picture wasn't of him, it was of some Mozart looking character.  By the way, upon meeting him for my first time, I did think he was very attractive, but seeing him with another guy that night made me keep my distance.  I'm not a home wrecker after all.  Anyway, the next day, I wasn't sure of who he was on Facebook, but noticed we had mutual friends and his profile was private so I did the whole "I'll friend him to see who it is but if I don't know him I'll just de-friend him" strategy.   I did recognize him and ended up never de-friending him.  Next, he started IMing me on AIM, for which I never gave him my screen name, but upon further investigation I realized that my AIM screen name is on my Facebook =P.  Either way, at this point I felt a little stalked, hence the nickname Stalker.

When I met him he had a boyfriend, who, for an Asian, is not bad looking.  However, there was a lot of flirting, mostly on his side.  Despite my attraction towards him, I never allowed him to come too close to me, nor did I at any point really show him how I felt.  As an Asian, I've mastered the art of hiding my emotions.  Anyway, we hung out a few times.  Blah blah blah... a little over a year later, he and his boyfriend break up and he is available.  So what do I do with this information?  I am there for him like any friend would be.  I wasn't going to make any moves, but mostly because I didn't want to be a rebound.   So for the next few months, we hang out randomly but I will say communication seemed to be our nemesis.  Everybody knows that my communication skills are pretty spot on.  I don't beat around the bush, I'm forward, and I'm tell it as it is.  With him, everything goes out the window.  I talk in tongues, I never tell him exactly what I want or what I'm thinking, and I just kinda shut down in terms of being forward with him.  To be honest he makes me nervous.  I don't know why but he does.  It's like I can't think straight around him.

So currently, I am still his "friend" although, I don't feel like he treats me like a friend.  He has started seeing someone, which kinda kills me on the inside, but I keep a brave face to not look like some jealous crazy person, because, I really don't have any right to be jealous.  Even with the attraction we have, I feel like things just never seem to work out for us.  A lot of it was timing and there is nothing I can do about it now.

In the end, I don't know how this will play out, but with him in a potentially blooming relationship, it's time for me to step back and maybe keep to myself for a while  I guess it doesn't really make a big difference if I do or not.  He doesn't really consider me a good friend even though I've tried to be a great friend and be there in his times of need.  I should just accept the fact that our relationship, whether it be a friendship or something else, will always be somewhat complicated.  I just needed a place to vent about this and that's what my blog is for even if Stalker does read this.  Anyway, let me know your thoughts, if you have any on this matter.