Arizona

This place has altered my life again. This particular state which i am not fond of but had called my home for 3 years has done more for me than California has in the 23 years that i have lived here. Despite the most obvious changes, it has helped me evaluate MYSELF and reflect on my actions and what i can possibly do to make myself a better person. In many ways, i yearn for perfection. I know that perfection is unattainable, but i believe in being the best person i can be and always improving upon myself.

This weekend in Arizona, i hung out with a friend. A friend I hadn't seen in 12 years. A friend I had known for 15 years. A friend i really didn't know anymore. We can maybe go as far and say that he's a friend with benefits, but let's just call him my bestie! I ended up spending quite a bit of time with my bestie. I got to know him again, and he's fun, more so than i remembered 12 years ago. I actually enjoyed my time with him and things weren't awkward (even if 12 years ago we really never hung out or talked to each other all that much). He got along with all my friends and actually made a good impression on them. He even hopped on the "lets make fun of Aaron all through the baseball game" train with my friends. Like I said, I had fun. Now that i'm back home, i kinda miss hanging out with him and that makes me think.

From spending time with this guy, I realized that i was pretty mean and nasty to him at times. The more I like you, the meaner i am to you. Its like the boy on the playground that hits the girl for no reason. It's not because the boy hates the girl that he's hitting her but it's because he actually likes her that he's hitting her. That's what I do to people i like. It's not just people i'm interested in romantically but also to my close friends. I think I do this because when i start getting too close to someone, I get uncomfortable, so to push them away, I become a mean bitch towards them. It's simple. Anyway, my solution is to be nicer to people and to stop saying inappropriate mean things. Also, you can look at it this way: if i'm mean to you now, it only means that i like you more.

The other realization i've come across, is that despite all bullshit i spew about wanting to be independent and single and free, I really do want to be with someone. I want someone i can hang out with and talk to and feel relaxed around. Friends are one thing but an intimate relationship with someone is something i do want to try out. My bestie kinda gave me a taste of that and now i'm a little more addicted than I'd like to admit. This doesn't mean I'm looking for a long term relationship, or a boyfriend or whatever. I guess i'm saying that i'm more open to the idea at this time in my life.

Times are a changing, priorities are different and i'm a whole other person, but what does stay constant is my desire to improve upon myself. My bestie has helped me in ways that he may not have known but in the end my time with him has helped me realize a few things that i can do to make myself a better person. If not a better person, at least a person who is more open and willing to change. Thanks bestie!